6 months since our life was rocked, 6 months since we thought we might lose our baby boy, 6 months since everything that we thought was scary was radically changed, 6 months ago our perspective on God and life completely shifted, 6 months since our love for Sawyer tripled in size, 6 months since the utter nightmare that we still relive all the time, 6 months of ups and downs with knowns and unknowns.
6 months and hardly any asthma, 6 months and we have gained back confidence in our son's abilities, 6 months and our son can run and play outside with confidence, 6 months and we have a new normal that is WORKING, 6 months where we have seen a 2 year old with more bravery and resilience than us. 6 months of countless doctors appointments, 6 months with 60ish shots in both arms every week, 6 rounds of scary blood tests. And now 6 months later we can now say it is all worth it because it is WORKING!
I wish I could say my confidence is totally restored and that I have total trust that what happened won't happen again but I'll be completely honest, I'm still in process. I'm still processing what we went through and what we watched our son go through. I have days where I'll be behind an ambulance or I'll be in Little Rock and pass Children's Hospital and I'll literally burst into tears. I have days where I'm still mad that Sawyer was chosen to be poked and prodded all the time and that we have to live with constant anxiety. I trust that God is in control in my head but telling my heart that is the tricky part. I am working through my anxiety that is sometimes bigger than me and praying fervently that eventually my fear of the unknowns will subside and I will totally and completely trust in God's plan. I think as christians most of us have certain areas in our life where it is hard to give completely over to God. This is my area. I desire to know in my heart and in my head that God is ultimately in control of Sawyer, but right now it's a daily struggle. I sometimes wake up and I'm in total fear that we are going to have to go through what we went through again and it will take me over. God forgive me. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." 1 Jn 4:18. I am confident that God is taking me through this to make sure he has ALL of me and I'm excited to be free of this anxiety and fear. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs I could have ever imagined and add on top of that I've always struggled with anxiety and we were given this child that has had so many problems, I am definitely being stretched and molded. But through it all and through all of the ups and downs I am thankful for our trials that make us stronger.
If anyone has ever gone through a life threatening event with their child they could probably agree that I'll probably never "get over" that day but I am praying that as more time goes by I will become stronger because of it. I know in my heart that I'm on the road to be set free from this constant bondage of anxiety and fear. I know that these are all steps in my faith that bring me closer to the Cross. And knowing that I say, Thank you Jesus!
Praise God for Sawyer's health and happiness. Praise God for good doctors that are now advocates for Sawyer Henry. Praise God for our resilient son. Praise God for positive results through the yucky maintenance of this disease. Praise God that we feel His presence in EVERYTHING.